Differ­en­ti­a­tion, a psy­cho­log­i­cal term, means the abil­i­ty to main­tain your iden­ti­ty when you are in close rela­tion­ship to oth­er peo­ple or ide­olo­gies: you are able to rest secure­ly inside your­self and not be swept away by oth­er people’s emo­tions, opin­ions, or moods. As we dif­fer­en­ti­ate we move from fear to excite­ment, from sep­a­rate­ness to con­nec­tion, from inse­cu­ri­ty to con­fi­dence.*

TRAITS of DIFFERENTIATION

Maintaining one’s cen­ter in rela­tion­ships. This includes valu­ing integri­ty in all aspects of life and being able to define one’s self to say yes, no and maybe. It also means being able to artic­u­late feel­ings, take good care of one’s self, and be truth­ful, even when it requires bring­ing up a dif­fi­cult sub­jects.

Having one’s self-​esteem and mood remain con­stant in the pres­ence of oth­ers’ anx­i­eties and wor­ries. We remain com­pas­sion­ate and sup­port­ive with­out becom­ing emo­tion­al­ly entan­gled when a friend or loved one is anx­ious, depressed, or going through a hard time. Instead of absorb­ing those feel­ings or feel­ing respon­si­ble to fix the prob­lem, smooth it over, or give advice, and remain a lov­ing wit­ness.

Knowing that one’s val­ue is a giv­en. Our self-​worth remains con­stant in the face of win­ning, los­ing, suc­ceed­ing, fail­ing, and pain or plea­sure because we know our val­ue is inher­ent in being alive. We are all sacred beings, inter­re­lat­ed to all life.

Developing a set of val­ues through reflec­tion, aware­ness, learn­ing, and exper­i­men­ta­tion. Instead of rely­ing on extreme author­i­ty to deter­mine our beliefs and val­ues, we learn to trust our inter­nal wis­dom that comes through expe­ri­ence, con­tem­pla­tion, and medi­a­tion. This often means cast­ing off much of what we learned in our fam­i­lies, schools, or reli­gious insti­tu­tions.

Feeling com­fort­able or fas­ci­nat­ed by dif­fer­ent the­o­ries, belief sys­tems, and per­spec­tives. Because we’re secure in our own val­ues or beliefs, it doesn’t mat­ter if any­one agrees with us or not. Differences are nat­ur­al, unthreat­en­ing, and inter­est­ing they offer a glimpse into another’s world Instead of imme­di­ate­ly jump­ing into our armor — I do it this way — we are curi­ous. How does that belief work for them? How did it get there? What does it mean?

Recognizing seduc­tion, con­trol, and manip­u­la­tion — ours and oth­ers’. Spiritual war­riors clear­ly see signs of manip­u­la­tion and emo­tion­al seduc­tion ours and oth­ers’. We don’t trust blind­ly, we trust wise­ly based on real­i­ty. Likewise, we exam­ine our moti­va­tions, and don’t con our­selves or hide behind phone inno­cence, charm, or naiveté.

Being able to self reflect and self-​confront. Well-​differentiated peo­ple rou­tine­ly reflect on their behav­ior and con­front them­selves. How did I con­tribute to this prob­lem, this dull sex life, this dis­in­te­grat­ing rela­tion­ship? Why do I stay with this mean-​spirited per­son? We keep the focus inward, own­ing up to our mis­takes, apol­o­giz­ing when appro­pri­ate and leav­ing if the oth­er per­son is harm­ful to us.

Asking for and receiv­ing sup­port with­out feel­ing weak or com­pro­mised. Because we accept our human­ness and fal­li­bil­i­ty, we reach out for help when in need. We real­ize that by receiv­ing, we are allow­ing some­one else to expe­ri­ence the gift of giv­ing. The acts of giv­ing and receiv­ing join us togeth­er in a cir­cle of con­nec­tion.

Giving with­out an agen­da or the feel­ing we are giv­ing away a part of our­selves. Well-​differentiated peo­ple take plea­sure in giv­ing from a place of abun­dance that is free from score­keep­ing or hid­den agen­das.

Seeing oth­ers clear­ly. As we dif­fer­en­ti­ate, we stop cat­e­go­riz­ing peo­ple, drop our expec­ta­tions and pre­con­ceived beliefs, and get to know them for who they are. This allows us to cre­ate true inti­ma­cy.

Learning to com­fort and soothe our­selves when faced with stress or dif­fi­cul­ties. When faced with anger, hos­til­i­ty, or trau­ma, well dif­fer­en­ti­at­ed peo­ple have the inner resources to calm them­selves down and step back from the sit­u­a­tion rather than react­ing impul­sive­ly. Instead of leap­ing into argu­ment or los­ing our tem­per, we can slow down, and not add to the ruckus or descend into some­one else’s state of tur­moil.

*from: If The Buddha Dated – A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.