[dropcap size=”400%”]W[/dropcap]hat is this thing called love?
This funny thing called love?
Just who can solve its mystery?
Why should it make a fool of me?*

A subject for many thousands of writers, artists, and musicians for the entire time that they have existed, the word love, and all of its variations, has inspired, puzzled, and tortured humanity. To clarify love is not to define it, but to ask myself, “Is it this?” Like many of the topics on this site, the questions may be much more informative than the answers.

Think of this page as Reverse Jeopardy. Each question will take the form of an answer.

This post is being edited continuously, because it is a launching pad for many posts. Click on a topic in the list to expand it.

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Cause love takes time
And it’s hard to find
You gotta take some time
To let love grow. — according to the band, Orleans[/toggle]

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As Frank Sinatra sang to us,

Love and marriage, love and marriage
They go together like a horse and carriage
This I tell you, brother
You can’t have one without the other.*

In 1955 this song resonated with a lot of people and was a big hit for Sinatra and then Dinah Shore, even winning an Emmy in 1956 for Best Musical Contribution. Would it fare as well today?

If these 5 responses from Quora.com are representative, I would have to say that people are less willing to lump love and marriage together so inextricably:

Navneeta Pathak, Navneeta Pathak, Happily married.
Written Jul 5, 2014
Short answer –

Not necessarily.

Long answer –

Love to me is when you want to spend your imperfect life with an imperfect person, because you prefer this imperfectness over anything else. It is about never having to be alone, share love, anger, sadness and happiness and life together.

Marriage, on the other hand, is a social concept, which I guess was made to stabilize communities by ensuring and enforcing the concept of families.

So, in today’s world, if 2 people are in love and want to spend their lives together, it naturally implies marriage. This is what the society expects and accepts.
Though, it totally on the couple how they want to spend their lives together, whether it’s marriage or just live-in relationship, still somewhere the society looks down upon them in a way. This is worse in India. And this is despite the fact that live-in relationships have the same rights as a marriage by the court of law.

Personally, I think, it depends on the couple on how they want to live your life.

Absence of marriage is just the absence of a legal document that binds 2 people together; it does not imply absence of a loving relationship.

FYI, some famous couples who never got married:
Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn – together since 1983
Oprah Winfrey & Stedman Graham – together since 1986
Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins – 1988-2009

NJ Uldum
NJ Uldum, 10yrs as missus to a mister.
Written Jul 4, 2014
I assume you mean, if you love your partner, should you want to get married as opposed to living as de facto partners.

I’ve been living with my partner for 6 years, we’ve been together for nearly 8. We currently have no plans to marry. We have a 2.5yr old daughter, are buying our first home together… All that other normal stuff.

I never wanted to get married. I am a child of divorced parents, and the prospect of having a relationship end like that was terrifying for me. I also never wanted children, adamant that people who procreate for the sake of procreating are one of the biggest problems in the world (and tho it makes me a hypocrite, I still do think that). But now all these years later, after being VERY surprised with our pregnancy and all of the other challenges we’ve faced… I admit, I would like to get married. I’d like to be able to share a last name, for there to be no question of what happens if one of us should die, or if something were to happen to our daughter. I want to wear a pretty dress and stand in front of our parents and formally make us a family. It kills me to say it, really – I’m this progressive, leftie, modern, educated feminist, and I feel like I should be above tradition. But I suppose some tradition is valid, and works to strengthen you in some way, whether that be through your relationships or perhaps just your resolve.

So to answer your question, does love = marriage? I don’t think it has to, especially in this day & age. Living as two independent people in a de facto relationship is possible and probably preferable for a lot of people. But as someone who is currently living that way, I would say that it is more than love that leads to marriage. I’ve been in love a couple of times in my life, and I’ve only ever wanted to marry the man I am with now. Love is the foundation yes, but marriage is about a relationship, and any good relationship is more than love. It’s friendship, fun, security, companionship, building a life together. Love plus a working, happy, healthy relationship should lead to marriage, even if it takes 8 years, a baby and a lot of work to get there.

Karol Thornton-Remiszewski, Karol Thornton-Remiszewski, at age 50+, I dare say I’ve “been there, done that”
Written Jul 7, 2016
Whether love necessarily means, implies or necessitates marrying one’s partner depends what kind of love you mean. But if you are talking about having a sexual relationship, I would contend that it should mean marriage, because sex can (and, I would maintain, should) symbolize each partner giving the other all of their yesterdays, all of their todays and all of their tomorrows, their entire spirit, soul and body only and exclusively to each other.

This total commitment should be undertaken in advance (and before witnesses, for accountability), after appropriate discussion of how the partners will build a sustainable relationship and grow together (the point being that if you marry, you in principle give up the freedom to pursue personal growth options that would result in your growing away from your partner, unless it turns out that the relationship is pathologically flawed and there is no way to repair it).

I would view sex used in any other context except that kind of total commitment as… falling short. And I believe in being idealistic about that – not settling.

Pati Baumberger, Pati Baumberger, Graphic Designer
Written Jul 14, 2014

But let me clarify this right now…love does not mean marriage, necessarily or otherwise. I have seen many couples who are unmarried, been together for years and in love, and I’ve seen married couples who don’t even love each other, and yet they are still married. I have, of course, seen married couples who are actually in love. But I’d say that out of the people I’ve personally met, their situations vary evenly, there’s no overwhelming majority of “in love and married” so I’d have to say the words love and marriage are not interchangeable.

Becky Blair
Written Jul 10, 2014
Thank you for the A2A. Marriage is only one of many options available to publicly demonstrate a loving relationship. I don’t believe it should be required in order to have a meaningful relationship. There may be certain legal benefit available from a civil union that may not be afforded to unmarried couples like tax benefits, insurance benefits, inheritance, medical decisions, burial decisions, and survivorship benefits to name a few.

Notwithstanding the above, many committed and loving couples have found ways to obtain the above with good pre-planning through lawyers and financial planners and have not felt a need to have a civil or religious ceremony.

The percentage of unmarried couples living together has increased ten-fold, from slightly more than one percent of all couples in 1960 to nearly 12 percent in 2011. 

 

*lyrics by Sammy Cahn and music by Jimmy Van Heusen

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*What Is This Thing Called Love? by Cole Porter