Can we expe­ri­ence love, con­nec­tion, inti­ma­cy and com­pan­ion­ship only with­in the frame­work of a rela­tion­ship?

Having been mar­ried four times, and hav­ing lived with oth­er part­ners in a series of cou­plings, I have some acquain­tance with this top­ic. I have also played the field and delved into polyamory. While I do not regret any of my expe­ri­ences — I have learned and grown in all of them — I am begin­ning to sus­pect that I may have lost as much as have gained per­son­al­ly when I have been hitched togeth­er with anoth­er. An expert at adap­tive behav­ior (I made a career of it), I now believe that I may have trad­ed away some of my authen­tic­i­ty for the secu­ri­ty of belong­ing. In so doing, I have robbed both myself and my part­ner of a gen­uine expe­ri­ence of truth­ful con­nec­tion and healthy self esteem.

My per­son­al mis­sion state­ment includes the phrase, “and liv­ing my truth.” When I do not do that, I am liv­ing my fear. Within that shad­ow the atmos­phere is shame for me and my resent­ment for the oth­er. My fear of lone­li­ness is no longer an excuse for inflict­ing that kind of dam­age.

Spirit tells me that my mis­sion on this earth is to love peo­ple. Wade through every­thing I have ever done and you will see that con­sis­tent theme. In that pur­suit I have been suc­cess­ful as well as mak­ing hor­ri­ble mis­takes. I have judged, pro­ject­ed, com­plained, mis­lead, and seri­ous­ly delud­ed myself, to every­one’s detri­ment. But I always work to return to this path. When I am on it, I make a pos­i­tive dif­fer­ence in oth­er peo­ple’s lives as well as my own. 

I have a tal­ent for lov­ing peo­ple. I was born with it, and I keep pol­ish­ing it.  I have acquired a vari­ety of tools through the help of count­less men­tors, both liv­ing and dead. Because I can I must.

Not all of the ways which I love oth­ers are approved of with­in our con­ven­tion­al cul­tur­al nar­ra­tive. I have been per­ceived and dis­dained as a deviant, immoral, social anar­chist — all of which is true. But, to resort to cliché, that’s my sto­ry and I’m stick­ing to it.

As an uncon­ven­tion­al per­son­al­i­ty who has pur­sued an uncon­ven­tion­al lifestyle, I have decid­ed to adopt and cel­e­brate an uncon­ven­tion­al lovestyle. This is what it looks like.

Loving Solo

To love many out­side of the safe­ty of two,
to stand alone, or togeth­er, uncou­pled,
is to rely on the absolute real­i­ty of love, and lov­ing, and being loved,
with­out the label, or the ring, or the rit­u­al,
where the sanc­ti­fied cer­e­mo­ny is sim­ply hearts and minds, bod­ies and spir­its touch­ing,
for now,
con­nec­tion with­out con­straint,
pas­sion with­out promise.
For love only exists in the present,
free of attach­ment, pos­ses­sion, assump­tion, and expec­ta­tion,
walk­ing beside the pos­si­bil­i­ty of loss and the prob­a­bil­i­ty of gain.
The risk of lone­li­ness is more than bal­anced by the absence of jeal­ousy, resent­ment, shame, and betray­al.
Standing on our own means that any desire, affec­tion, and regard that we receive will be for our true selves,
not for our sta­tus, or assets, or use­ful­ness, or per­ma­nence, or pro­ject­ed val­i­da­tions.
To just love some­one,
be in love with them,
soak­ing in their aura, lis­ten­ing to their sto­ries, brush­ing a hand or clutch­ing them close,
spilling out our thoughts and feel­ings freely, with­out edits … or doubts,
sim­ply shar­ing a delight in each oth­er.
Whether it comes in the shape of pas­sion­ate embrace or silent com­pan­ion­ship,
we expe­ri­ence the joy, excite­ment, and peace of authen­tic con­nec­tion,
know­ing that it may be only momen­tary,
since there is no oblig­a­tion to con­tin­ue, or to stay, or even to do it again,
but also know­ing that it could hap­pen again tomor­row with the same one,
or some­one else entire­ly,
because we are open to it, avail­able for it, able to wel­come it with­out reserve, or restraint.
To have with­out hold­ing.
To be will­ing to expe­ri­ence soul­ful fusion with­out know­ing exact­ly what it is.
To trust the flow of sen­sa­tion and emo­tion and union of spir­it
with­out nam­ing it, tam­ing it, or chain­ing it.
To be naked, with­out guar­an­tees, only end­less pos­si­bil­i­ties.