What is this thing called love?

What is this thing called love?
This fun­ny thing called love?
Just who can solve its mys­tery?
Why should it make a fool of me?*

A sub­ject for many thou­sands of writ­ers, artists, and musi­cians for the entire time that they have exist­ed, the word love, and all of its vari­a­tions, has inspired, puz­zled, and tor­tured human­i­ty. To clar­i­fy love is not to define it, but to ask myself, “Is it this?” Like many of the top­ics on this site, the ques­tions may be much more infor­ma­tive than the answers.

Think of this page as Reverse Jeopardy. Each ques­tion will take the form of an answer.

This post is being edit­ed con­tin­u­ous­ly, because it is a launch­ing pad for many posts. Click on a top­ic in the list to expand it.

Love is romance

Content for item 1


Love is pas­sion

Content for item 2


Love implies com­mit­ment

Content for item 3


Love requires fideli­ty

Content for item 4


Love must be exclu­sive

Content for item 5


Love requires trust

Content for item 6


Love is strange

Content for item 7


Love is friend­ship

Content for item 8


Love means car­ing

Content for item 9


Parents love their kids

Content for item 10


seri­ous

Content for item 11


com­pas­sion­ate

Content for item 12


loy­al

Content for item 13


delight

Content for item 14


com­fort and con­ver­sa­tion

Content for item 15


takes time

Cause love takes time
And it’s hard to find
You got­ta take some time
To let love grow. — accord­ing to the band, Orleans

and mar­riage

As Frank Sinatra sang to us,

Love and mar­riage, love and mar­riage
They go togeth­er like a horse and car­riage
This I tell you, broth­er
You can’t have one with­out the oth­er.*

In 1955 this song res­onat­ed with a lot of peo­ple and was a big hit for Sinatra and then Dinah Shore, even win­ning an Emmy in 1956 for Best Musical Contribution. Would it fare as well today?

If these 5 respons­es from Quora​.com are rep­re­sen­ta­tive, I would have to say that peo­ple are less will­ing to lump love and mar­riage togeth­er so inex­tri­ca­bly:


Navneeta Pathak, Navneeta Pathak, Happily mar­ried.
Written Jul 5, 2014
Short answer -

Not nec­es­sar­i­ly.


Long answer -

Love to me is when you want to spend your imper­fect life with an imper­fect per­son, because you pre­fer this imper­fect­ness over any­thing else. It is about nev­er hav­ing to be alone, share love, anger, sad­ness and hap­pi­ness and life togeth­er.

Marriage, on the oth­er hand, is a social con­cept, which I guess was made to sta­bi­lize com­mu­ni­ties by ensur­ing and enforc­ing the con­cept of fam­i­lies.

So, in today’s world, if 2 peo­ple are in love and want to spend their lives togeth­er, it nat­u­ral­ly implies mar­riage. This is what the soci­ety expects and accepts.
Though, it total­ly on the cou­ple how they want to spend their lives togeth­er, whether it’s mar­riage or just live-​in rela­tion­ship, still some­where the soci­ety looks down upon them in a way. This is worse in India. And this is despite the fact that live-​in rela­tion­ships have the same rights as a mar­riage by the court of law.

Personally, I think, it depends on the cou­ple on how they want to live your life.

Absence of mar­riage is just the absence of a legal doc­u­ment that binds 2 peo­ple togeth­er; it does not imply absence of a lov­ing rela­tion­ship.

FYI, some famous cou­ples who nev­er got mar­ried:
Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn — togeth­er since 1983
Oprah Winfrey & Stedman Graham — togeth­er since 1986
Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins — 1988–2009

NJ Uldum
NJ Uldum, 10yrs as mis­sus to a mis­ter.
Written Jul 4, 2014
I assume you mean, if you love your part­ner, should you want to get mar­ried as opposed to liv­ing as de fac­to part­ners.

I’ve been liv­ing with my part­ner for 6 years, we’ve been togeth­er for near­ly 8. We cur­rent­ly have no plans to mar­ry. We have a 2.5yr old daugh­ter, are buy­ing our first home togeth­er… All that oth­er nor­mal stuff.

I nev­er want­ed to get mar­ried. I am a child of divorced par­ents, and the prospect of hav­ing a rela­tion­ship end like that was ter­ri­fy­ing for me. I also nev­er want­ed chil­dren, adamant that peo­ple who pro­cre­ate for the sake of pro­cre­at­ing are one of the biggest prob­lems in the world (and tho it makes me a hyp­ocrite, I still do think that). But now all these years lat­er, after being VERY sur­prised with our preg­nan­cy and all of the oth­er chal­lenges we’ve faced… I admit, I would like to get mar­ried. I’d like to be able to share a last name, for there to be no ques­tion of what hap­pens if one of us should die, or if some­thing were to hap­pen to our daugh­ter. I want to wear a pret­ty dress and stand in front of our par­ents and for­mal­ly make us a fam­i­ly. It kills me to say it, real­ly — I’m this pro­gres­sive, left­ie, mod­ern, edu­cat­ed fem­i­nist, and I feel like I should be above tra­di­tion. But I sup­pose some tra­di­tion is valid, and works to strength­en you in some way, whether that be through your rela­tion­ships or per­haps just your resolve.

So to answer your ques­tion, does love = mar­riage? I don’t think it has to, espe­cial­ly in this day & age. Living as two inde­pen­dent peo­ple in a de fac­to rela­tion­ship is pos­si­ble and prob­a­bly prefer­able for a lot of peo­ple. But as some­one who is cur­rent­ly liv­ing that way, I would say that it is more than love that leads to mar­riage. I’ve been in love a cou­ple of times in my life, and I’ve only ever want­ed to mar­ry the man I am with now. Love is the foun­da­tion yes, but mar­riage is about a rela­tion­ship, and any good rela­tion­ship is more than love. It’s friend­ship, fun, secu­ri­ty, com­pan­ion­ship, build­ing a life togeth­er. Love plus a work­ing, hap­py, healthy rela­tion­ship should lead to mar­riage, even if it takes 8 years, a baby and a lot of work to get there.


Karol Thornton-​Remiszewski, Karol Thornton-​Remiszewski, at age 50+, I dare say I’ve “been there, done that”
Written Jul 7, 2016
Whether love nec­es­sar­i­ly means, implies or neces­si­tates mar­ry­ing one’s part­ner depends what kind of love you mean. But if you are talk­ing about hav­ing a sex­u­al rela­tion­ship, I would con­tend that it should mean mar­riage, because sex can (and, I would main­tain, should) sym­bol­ize each part­ner giv­ing the oth­er all of their yes­ter­days, all of their todays and all of their tomor­rows, their entire spir­it, soul and body only and exclu­sive­ly to each oth­er.

This total com­mit­ment should be under­tak­en in advance (and before wit­ness­es, for account­abil­i­ty), after appro­pri­ate dis­cus­sion of how the part­ners will build a sus­tain­able rela­tion­ship and grow togeth­er (the point being that if you mar­ry, you in prin­ci­ple give up the free­dom to pur­sue per­son­al growth options that would result in your grow­ing away from your part­ner, unless it turns out that the rela­tion­ship is patho­log­i­cal­ly flawed and there is no way to repair it).

I would view sex used in any oth­er con­text except that kind of total com­mit­ment as… falling short. And I believe in being ide­al­is­tic about that — not set­tling.

Pati Baumberger, Pati Baumberger, Graphic Designer
Written Jul 14, 2014

But let me clar­i­fy this right now…love does not mean mar­riage, nec­es­sar­i­ly or oth­er­wise. I have seen many cou­ples who are unmar­ried, been togeth­er for years and in love, and I’ve seen mar­ried cou­ples who don’t even love each oth­er, and yet they are still mar­ried. I have, of course, seen mar­ried cou­ples who are actu­al­ly in love. But I’d say that out of the peo­ple I’ve per­son­al­ly met, their sit­u­a­tions vary even­ly, there’s no over­whelm­ing major­i­ty of “in love and mar­ried” so I’d have to say the words love and mar­riage are not inter­change­able.

Becky Blair
Written Jul 10, 2014
Thank you for the A2A. Marriage is only one of many options avail­able to pub­licly demon­strate a lov­ing rela­tion­ship. I don’t believe it should be required in order to have a mean­ing­ful rela­tion­ship. There may be cer­tain legal ben­e­fit avail­able from a civ­il union that may not be afford­ed to unmar­ried cou­ples like tax ben­e­fits, insur­ance ben­e­fits, inher­i­tance, med­ical deci­sions, bur­ial deci­sions, and sur­vivor­ship ben­e­fits to name a few.

Notwithstanding the above, many com­mit­ted and lov­ing cou­ples have found ways to obtain the above with good pre-​planning through lawyers and finan­cial plan­ners and have not felt a need to have a civ­il or reli­gious cer­e­mo­ny.

The per­cent­age of unmar­ried cou­ples liv­ing togeth­er has increased ten-​fold, from slight­ly more than one per­cent of all cou­ples in 1960 to near­ly 12 per­cent in 2011. 

 

*lyrics by Sammy Cahn and music by Jimmy Van Heusen

pos­ses­sive

Content for item 18


uni­ver­sal

Content for item 19


part­ner­ship

Content for item 20


rare/​limited

Content for item 21


attach­ment

Content for item 22


con­nec­tion

Content for item 23


a fine mad­ness

Content for item 24


belong­ing

Content for item 25


always here and avail­able

Content for item 26


every­where

Content for item 27


erot­ic

Content for item 28


sen­su­al

Content for item 29


pro­tect­ing

Content for item 30


bold and coura­geous

Content for item 31


Lust

Content for item 32


Accumulated time

Content for item 33


strong

Content for item 34


Insanity

Content for item 35


monoamorous/​monogamous

Content for item 36


Real fam­i­lies love each oth­er

 

con­tent 37

addic­tive

Content for item 38


Love means being true

Content for item 39


is for­ev­er

Content for item 40


 

Content for item 41


hurts

Item 43 Title

Content for item 43


Item 44 Title

Content for item 44


Item 45 Title

Content for item 45


Item 46 Title

Content for item 46


Item 47 Title

Content for item 47


Item 48 Title

Content for item 48


Item 49 Title

Content for item 49


Item 50 Title

Content for item 50


*What Is This Thing Called Love? by Cole Porter

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.